Who Am I?

There’s some kind of restlessness, unspoken doubts, some fears, an unsettled mind. Maybe it’s the age, where nothing can satisfy you. Future has become like a graph you plot, where you try to trace the path alongside the ‘desirable’ imaginary curve you once plotted with your dreams. 

I’m a new age woman trying to find my identity among an apparently reforming society.

My caste and creed aside, I struggle to come to terms with the enormous disparity between a man and a woman. Leave alone the instances of rape, harassment, eve teasing or any kind of social evils we might have faced at some point or the other in our life. What about the stereo typical judging of a modern woman’s character by her peers, neighbors, colleagues and relatives? Many brave ones might put up a facade of ‘I don’t give a damn to what people think’, but the truth is ..EVERYONE cares, words hurt.. Either as a rude slap on your face or a dull ache in your head that slowly comes to notice.

It’s a phase of modern age identity crisis, where we are caught up in the new wave of liberation and yet so pulled by the strings of old traditions and culture. 

No! I’m not a rebel, neither am I a die-hard feminist. I thought I can adapt to the new course of changes and mould myself into someone who’s a near perfect blend of both the ideals. Little did I know, that trying to balance between two different set of lifestyles, would lead you into an intense uncertainty of ‘Who am I?’ 

Maybe this question has always been there, brimming to realization during times of peril. Nothing can be done about it until this question burns into the head of every woman and we do something about it. Till then, I can only hope.. Hope, that at least once, I go by my day where I don't regret being a woman.

Broken Vows

She ponders aimlessly, drawn by words.
The depth of despair in her wounded heart,
knows no bounds tearing her world apart.
Some broken vows and promises unkept,
few morals to transgress, step after step.
Fear of the consequences brim at dusk,
tears of resentment run down her core;
Then dawn arrives with some new hope,
some new promises, a few more to cope.
Her future so bleak she longs for more.
A chance she seeks to set it all right,
go back to the innocence a hopeful light.
From the dark world she now transcends,
to a new life, she vows to make amends.

Quivering Strings

A melody begins as I ponder over you,
deliciously strumming through my soul.
I gather sweet dreams, now turned true
Engulfed in your arms, makes me feel whole
Love soars within me like a violin's note.
Rhyme and reason fail to see they've begun.
As riveting is your aura, I feel unnerved
Helplessly drawn to you like Icarus to the sun.
Joy with you is like an unspoken word
and loving you is a symphony at its peak.
Where heartbeats flutter, like quivering strings.

I solemnly swear!

After a sabbatical of few months, (which was due to important reasons involving alien abductions and achieving world peace) I solemnly swear that from now on, I shall write more. Yes folks, apologies to the ones who loathe my writing, you can simply click on the red cross button on the top right side of your system and live happily.

Over the few months a lot has changed (well other than me failing to achieve world peace) but changes within me. A lot more platforms have come up where I can express myself, good friends whom I treat as diaries, who listen to my constant chatter, my whims and put up with it. An amazing pen pal from a land far away who's penmanship blows my literary hungry mind. My hands were full dealing with myriads of situations and sometimes I found myself juggling with a little more than I can take (I can't juggle in reality, I'm dyslexic when it comes to doing tasks that require hand-eye co-ordination.. sigh)

Although, I had enough emotional outlets to share whatever nonsensical bit my brain could conjure. I still found myself making ahem, lengthy conversations with my own brain (they were oddly pretty humorous too!) I wondered, what was missing, it all boiled down to this. I missed writing! Making up weird scenarios, exaggerating mundane situations, being quirky about my own behavior. So many things that I can only express in solitude and then.. well, share it to the world. (I've got nothing to lose anyways)

So here it is, a small word I now give to myself and my literature craving mind, that I will pour my feelings, my quirkiness into my writings. Be it on any platform.. cause lets face it, the things I have been coming up with, of-late.. writing in solitude might be the only option left for me. Kudos to words!

That silly affair called 'Arranged Marraige'

It’s that scary phase in your life. Where you come across a fork in the road and nothing you’ve have accomplished all these years by toiling seems to satisfy you. Just when you think of maybe elevating that self imposed sorry state of yours by going after your passion, your parents pop that dreaded question of marriage in an attempt to choke you at the dinner table. You suddenly find yourself under the radar of annoying uncles and aunties that oddly crop up only during your 10th, 12th, placements and now!

You no longer want to open your Facebook page because all you can find is loads of wedding\honeymoon pictures of your peers (I personally think FB should auto block people who get married, for atleast a month or two just till the whole excitement dies down.. you know)

Perhaps the worst thing you can do right now to make things unbearably difficult for you is, attend any relative’s marriage. Believe me folks; you DO NOT want to go there! This function is less of celebrating the blessed unison of two souls and more like a parade to showcase so called the ‘eligible’ bachelors and bachelorettes your extended family’s got. You paste a big fat fake smile on your face and get hugged by countless old aunties who apparently still remember you in your little bloomers running round the house. While you’re still recovering from that scarring detail of your past, you’re pulled by your parents amidst a gang of relatives who want a brief description of your line work (note when they hear the word IT they immediately ask ‘BPO or settled! God knows what ‘settled’ means) 

 Also, any ideas of maybe finding the ‘right one’ on your own suddenly seem bleak, thanks to your crazy office timings and your family’s (mainly mom’s) expectations. You find yourself wishing you had struck gold during your college times rather than going after cheap thrills because now it’s somehow too late. Any idea of blindly falling in love seem lethal to you, as you’re so afraid to encounter another heart-break right before the biggest change in your life and you shy away from anything that might remotely go in that direction.

Just when you feel like your head’s going to explode with all the wedding chaos, you take a look at your peers who are in the exact condition as yours, some worse probably job hunting or tackling a psycho girlfriend\boyfriend. You breathe a sigh of relief saying to yourself that ‘yes, this too shall pass!’
Hmm it will … Right?

The different sides to me

The Erratic Side

This side of mine is mostly seen by my immediate family. Personally I feel they should be awarded for putting up with my antiques. Now, its not the normal kind of crazy .. the spontaneous and hedonistic things 20 somethings are famous for doing.. no .. its the retarded crazy. An annoying blend of childishness, mentally ill, mixed with an incessant urge to coddle (merely torturing by excessive hugging and cheek pecks) and a simply alarming (read requiring medical attention) obsession with cats. Starting with literal cat calling in the morning and conversing in high pitched voice. I don't do this to seek attention, this is basically how I am, period. Just writing this makes me want to visit a doctor.. sigh.

The Twisted- Sarcastic Side

This one's reserved for my closest friends, the ones who 'get' me. Where I don't have to watch my words or fear being judged. I just blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, be as sarcastic, cheap, stupid or condescending as I can get and still expect them to read between the lines. I almost use this side as a filter to choose my company, those who take my sarcastic comments in a literal sense automatically fall in the line of being treated formally (curt hellos and how do you dos!) The rest.. well, they are hauled in for some really prolonged verbal torture.

The Philosopher Side

A surprising yet welcomed facet of mine. Generally activated in times of emotional perils, I tend to hand out some of the most level-headed advices to my close ones. This is the time when I'm the least judgmental (almost counselor-like) and pretty sane in the head. Initially my family fails to recognize the words coming out of my mouth (thanks to the other erratic side) but finally they start to ponder over the sensible stuff I ramble. In a way, its a relief to not be entirely loony.

The Responsible- kid Side

At first, I thought my 'proper' mannerisms towards the outside world was a just a pretense, that I was actually eager to pull off the sweet facade and turn into some kind of a rebelling hilly billy! Fortunately, I didn't feel the urge to do so. I effortlessly turn sober as soon as I step out of my comfort zone.This in turn gives others an impression that I might be a person they can depend upon, which has helped me in countless situations over the time.

The Self obsessed Dictator Side

Seen occasionally in painful doses by my close ones. I can dominate the living day lights out of people before they even realize what is happening to them. What follows after an unforeseen bout of narcissism quickly transforms into a mind controlling frenzy which quite surely ends up with lots of differences and emotional scars. These are the times when my closest pray that I turn back into my loony, cat obsessed self.

Writing about my mental fragmentation makes me wonder if I'm a schizophrenic! Do you have different sides of yours too, so contrasting and yet your own?

To The Edge..

A rueful soul lies deep in my broken shell

battered down by woes only I understand.

With the world at my feet, mocking me

where normalcy turned a facade to heed.

Fear undulates on my skin, I struggle

to hold that last slipping straw of happiness.

The certain I get of my morose situation

the flimsy sheath of optimism slowly falling apart.

Until there is no hope to hang on to, except

the voices in my head haunting me, urging me

to succumb to my insurmountable troubles.

As the knot on my nape tightens, choking me,

flashes of a pathetic life pass before me.

Final tears roll down for my loved ones,

some more for the ones who failed me.

My eyes blood red, like cinders of hell fire,

an incoherent prayer passes through my lips,

to never put any soul in a world like this.